


Demonology 101

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: During Canon, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-16
Updated: 2006-06-16
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8746333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: A demon is obsessed with killing Dean and Sam - but he sucks at his job.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Fandom: Supernatural

Summary: A demon is obsessed with killing Dean and Sam… but he sucks at his job.

Spoilers: none

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Not mine, alas.

Warnings: Wincest

Thanks to my incredible, wonderful, demonically funny betas [ ](http://nyxfixx.livejournal.com/profile)[**nyxfixx**](http://nyxfixx.livejournal.com/) and [ ](http://moondagny.livejournal.com/profile)[**moondagny**](http://moondagny.livejournal.com/)

Crossposted to [ ](http://community.livejournal.com/wincest/profile)[**wincest**](http://community.livejournal.com/wincest/), [ ](http://community.livejournal.com/sn_slash/profile)[**sn_slash**](http://community.livejournal.com/sn_slash/), [ ](http://community.livejournal.com/snslashnotebook/profile)[**snslashnotebook**](http://community.livejournal.com/snslashnotebook/), and [ ](http://community.livejournal.com/supernaturalfic/profile)[](http://community.livejournal.com/supernaturalfic/)**supernaturalfic**  
  
  
 

Demonology 101

 

 

_The demon scuttled backwards, trying to get away from the approaching humans. A steady stream of Latin issued from the mouth of the taller one; the holy words sapped the demon’s strength, made him tremble._

_He saw the other human advance – a quick scan of their minds told him they were brothers – with a bottle in his hand._

Holy water, _thought the demon._ This is an unpleasant turn of events. __

 

_There was one last chance, one final way to escape – he’d seen something in the Latin-speaker’s mind–_

_With the last of his strength, he reared up, and screamed at the human. “Your girlfriend died in torment! She shall languish in the fires of Hell forev–”_

_He broke off as the holy water hit him, burning him like ice. Then both brothers shot him, and with a disgusting, squishy feeling, the demon felt his temporal existence end._

_The last thing he heard was the younger brother saying, “I_ hate _it when they do that…”_

 

The demon had a tremendous headache. He’d never been banished back to Hell before, so he wasn’t sure if that was normal, or if there was something else going on.

 

It was at least 140˚ Fahrenheit where he was lying. A bit chilly for his personal tastes, but still better than the human plane of existence.

 

He heard someone snickering. He opened his eyes. Another demon was in the room – small cavern, really, with some nice molten stalagmites – slouching against the wall. And snickering.

 

“What happened?” asked the demon, clutching his head.

 

More snickering. “You’re new, aren’t you?”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re _new_. At being a demon. As in, recently created, first time on Earth to make trouble, et cetera and so on.”

 

“Yes,” said the demon. His headache was getting worse. “What of it?”

 

“Do you know that a vast percentage of your vocabulary is the word ‘what’?” asked the other demon. “You might want to look at that. Not good for first impressions. Were you human before?”

 

“Wha – me? _Human_? No!” He made a face of disgust, which relieved the headache a little.

 

“Ah, that explains it, then. Nothing but contempt for humans, no experience as one… yep, no wonder you lasted such a short time. I think you set a record, by the way. It’ll be a while before anyone gets exorcised more quickly than that. I’m Willis, by the way, your U.P.-Yours.”

 

“My _what_?”

 

Willis sighed. “There’s that word again. U.P. – Underworld Peer – and of course, the word ‘Yours.’ It’s somebody’s idea of funny, see. U.P.-Yours. I’m your mentor, so to speak.”

 

The demon stared at him. “What kind of a name is _Willis_?”

 

“German, I think, meaning ‘son of William.’ Oh, that’s not what you meant, is it?”

 

The demon glowered at him. “I do not yet have a name,” he growled. “When I do, I will be anointed by Satan himself, and my name will make humans tremble at – ”

 

“Hey, Speedy Pete!” A third demon stuck his head in the cavern. “Two _hours_ Topside! Broke the record for Shortest First Life Ever. What did you _do_ , attack a convent? Those ladies may dress funny, but they are armed to the _teeth_.”

 

Willis snorted. “He faced off against the Winchester brothers.”

 

“First time out?” asked the third demon. “You go Topside for the first time, and you face off against Sam and Dean Winchester?”

 

“Who?” asked the newly-dubbed Speedy Pete.

 

Willis and the other demon started laughing.

 

“Oh, what a fucking _amateur_ ,” gasped the third demon. “You’ve never heard of the Winchesters?” He hooted with laughter again, and wiped away the bloody tears that spilled from his six eyes with the back of a furry paw. “Hey, Willis, you wanna head down to the fifth circle? New arrivals. Should be fun – they think they’re going to heaven. Boy, are they in for a nasty surprise!”

 

“You really know how to tempt a demon, Darrell. I’ll meet you there – I have to give Speedy Pete here an official spanking for fucking up so badly.”

 

“Make it fast, they’re here in ten.” Darrell waved a tentacle, and sauntered away, still chuckling. “Oh, he doesn’t even know who they _are_ …”

 

The newly-made demon looked at Willis. “I – I am not going to be labeled eternally with the name ‘Speedy Pete’, am I?”

 

Willis glared at him. “You will until someone else fucks up worse than you just did. And believe me, that’ll be quite a while. Now bend over, I’ve got to shove this red-hot poker up your ass, and I haven’t got all day.”

~

 

_He_ would _have his revenge. He had been tortured by his fellow demons, and worse, he had been_ mocked _by them_. _The mockery stung and burned as much as the poker had._

_Well, almost._

_He had assumed human form this time – the brothers would never suspect a thing. He found their car, parked outside a cheap motel, and waited. At last, at long last, the elder brother appeared._

_The demon ran at him, shrieking, attacking, and to his surprise saw a weapon pointed at him. There was an explosion, terrible pain, burning flesh, and the strangest look from the elder brother. He looked… casual. Unafraid._

_As the demon twisted and melted, the younger brother came outside and stood by the elder, watching with mild curiosity. Then the elder brother spoke._

_“Uh, Sam?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Did that demon just say, ‘Boo-haaa’?”_

_“Yeah, it sounded like it.”_

_Dean shook his head. “What the hell is this? The Demon Amateur Hour?”_

_The demon exploded into nothingness._

 

More snickering.

 

“You really suck at this, you know that?”

 

Speedy Pete – he was just going to have to accept that as his name for the time being – glared insolently at Willis.

 

“And you’re annoying the hell out of me, too,” Willis continued. “I was having great fun torturing a busload of self-righteous people who spent their lives hating – _hating_ , mind you, what _we_ specialize in – hating their fellow man in the name of a prophet who preached only love. Wrap your brain around that one, and it’s giggle time for sure. Or it was, until you decided to run headlong at Dean Winchester.”

 

“The brothers are difficult to kill.”

 

Willis snorted brimstone up his nose in frustration. “Ya _think_?”

 

He waved a talon at the wall. An image appeared: Speedy Pete disguised as a human, watching the outside of the Winchesters’ motel. The new demon winced as he watched the proceedings: Dean coming out of his room, him screaming and charging at Dean, Dean casually raising a gun and shooting him twice.

 

Willis flicked his talon again, and the image played backward, to the beginning. “Now, do you see your first mistake? Besides being a congenital idiot, I mean.”

 

“I alerted him to my presence by screaming.”

 

“No, you alerted him to your presence by being _visible_. And even that’s not what I mean. He’s _armed_. Not only did you not check for a weapon, but if you’d done a little research on the brothers, you’d’ve known that they are _always_ armed. Now, rock salt can’t kill you permanently, but it will send you back here, and thanks to the lottery, _I’m_ the one stuck with you. So wise up. You’re really making my afterlife miserable. And not in the way you’re supposed to.”

 

Speedy Pete drew himself up to his full height. “I will study the brothers. And then I will kill them.”

 

“No, you will _not_. Better and more experienced demons than you have been trying for a very long time. Study them all you want; you might learn something. But you are _not_ to attack them any more, understand? I don’t want to have to waste my time explaining this again.”

 

Speedy Pete growled. “You will not be disappointed.”

 

~

 

_This time, he remained… invisible. Or, rather, camouflaged: he would take the form of a fly, or a roach, or a rat. He listened to them. He watched them. He_ learned _._

_The first thing he learned was that they protected themselves carefully. He could not stay in any room with them once they’d set up their barriers and charms; he would be expelled, forced out, but fortunately his forms had been so small, and their charms so general, that he was merely pushed out of the room, unnoticed and un-banished._

_But still, he could spy. And spy he did._

_On the second night of his surveillance, disguised as a small lizard, he perched on the outside of their window. The blinds were drawn and the curtains shut, but this was no deterrent; he concentrated, and let his eyes see within the room. It was dangerous: anyone walking by would have seen a lizard with glowing red eyes. But it was necessary._

_They were preparing for bed. There were two beds in the room, but one was loaded with their clothing and equipment. They planned to sleep in one bed. Strange._

_And then… then the older brother stripped off the last of his clothing, took the younger brother’s face in his hands, and pulled him down for a kiss._

_Speedy Pete stared in amazement._

_They wrapped their arms around one another, kissing passionately, not simply with their mouths but with their whole bodies, as though kissing could be transmitted through every pore, every inch of flesh._

_They fell onto the clean bed, by turns laughing and kissing and playfully wrestling with one another._

_The demon noticed that the glass he was clinging to was melting, thanks to the sheer concentration of his underworldly vision. He decided to return below, and disappeared in a tiny flash._

_The Winchester brothers, wrapped up in one another, didn’t even notice._

 

“I have found their weakness.”

 

Willis glared. “I _am_ allowed to sleep, you know that? Even inter-dimensional beings of vast and incomprehensible evil need some shut-eye occasionally.”

 

Speedy Pete ignored him. “I have found their weakness. Once it is exploited, they can be destroyed.”

 

Willis yawned, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Really? Two days watching them, and you think you’ve got it?”

 

“They are sinners of the highest order. They defraud their fellow beings, they lie, and worst of all – ” the demon paused for dramatic effect – “they engage in fornication with one another, even though they are brothers!”

 

“Yeah?” Willis blinked, suddenly interested. “You got to _see_ that?”

 

Speedy Pete puffed up a bit. “Am I the first to confirm it? I left before the act was completed, but – ”

 

“You did _what_? Are you _nuts_? Do you have any idea how _hot_ those two are? You somehow got tickets to the best show of the year, and you _walked out early_?”

 

“I do not understand. Can you not see how this is to our advantage? Their fellow humans despise everything that they do!”

 

“Okay,” said Willis, “let me give you the lowdown on their fellow humans. I’ve got a little less than two dozen new arrivals on the fifth circle, humans who’ve spent their lives disparaging people like the Winchesters, those who defraud, who lie, and especially those who commit incest. And guess where they are? Here. Not Upstairs. _Here_.”

 

“I – I do not understand.”

 

“Yeah, I’m kind of getting that. Here’s the deal: the Winchesters defraud, yeah, but they don’t do it for profit. Notice how they’re not rolling in money? They live on the cheap. Yeah, they lie. And do they do it to hurt people? No. They spend all their time – they’ve spent their whole _lives_ – fighting us, and making incredible sacrifices to do it. And if they get a little relief, a little pleasure, out of each other in the meantime – you think that’s going to count against them on the Reckoning Day? I’ve got news for you: God – ” and there was a rumbling noise as Willis said ‘God’ – “is a pragmatist. The votes’ll get tallied up, and they’ll have huge plusses in the Demon Body Count column.”

 

Speedy Pete stared at him. “But – their weaknesses – ”

 

“They’ve got one weakness: not being together. We’ve tried it. We failed. Better demons than you have tried to separate them, and they don’t exist anymore. Not ‘got banished’ or ‘were exorcised’ – I mean they _don’t exist_.”

 

“If you know the means, why do you not use it?”

 

Willis rolled his eyes. “Haven’t you been listening? OK, let’s say we work it. We pull them apart, we kill one of them. Let’s say, oh, Dean. Fine. Dean’s dead. You think he’s coming here? Well, let’s say there’s some bureaucratic mix-up, and he’s sent here by mistake. Then what?”

 

“He will be tortured and tormented eternally!”

 

“Nice try. Wrong. We’ve got some experience with this, remember. There was a hunter – died in the 1830s – and we bargained for him. Look at the lives he’s destroyed, we said. Not deliberately, but he defrauded someone, and they went hungry. And so on. And we managed to get him here. Signed him up for eternal torture. And you know what? _He didn’t break_.”

 

Speedy Pete furrowed his scaly brow. “I do not understand.”

 

“No, really? I’d’ve never guessed. Here’s the deal: the guy was a hunter. Dedicated his life to making demons miserable. Most people we get down here, they’re begging for mercy in five minutes. Some of the stronger ones hold out for a couple of days. This guy, we had him for over a hundred years, and he never cried out, never begged for mercy, never broke. And the more he defied us, the more frustrated we became. And the more frustrated we became, the stronger we made him. He _laughed_ at us!”

 

“One hundred years of torture, and he _laughed_?”

 

“Now you’re getting the picture. It was incredibly demoralizing. And worse, it was giving hope to the other damned. Now _that’s_ bad. We freaking _begged_ them Upstairs to take him back. So I’m not all that eager to see either one of those brothers down here, you dig?”

 

“But – if they will not be sent here – then why should we not kill them?”

 

Willis sighed deeply. “We’ve _tried_. Look, we’ll manage it someday. But trust me, you won’t be the agent of their destruction. Now, go torture some nice happy suburban family somewhere, don’t wake me when I’m sleeping again, and leave the Winchesters alone.”

 

Speedy Pete vanished.

 

Willis shook his head. “Damn fool. He’s not going to do it.”

 

A giant, hairy, fish-like creature with a single enormous eye incarnated in front of Willis.

 

“Hi, Annabelle.”

 

“Hi, Willissssssssssss. Look, I’m ssssssssorry to bug you, but I’ve got a report of ssssssssssomeone in thissssssssss sssssssssector ssssssssssssaying the name of the deity, and – ”

 

“God _dammit_!”

 

Annabelle nodded approvingly. “That’ssssssss better.”

 

~

 

Dean sipped his coffee. The waitress had handed them their breakfast bill, and Sam went to the bathroom – well, that’s where he was headed, but it was also to eyeball the stranger who’d been following them for the last week. Either the man thought he was being secretive, and sucked at it, or he wanted them to know he was there. Either way, the brothers were edgy, and getting ready for a showdown. Dean kept an eye on the back of the diner.

 

Then his view was blocked. A girl stepped right into his line of vision – a tall, leggy, blonde with green eyes nearly as bright as his own, and a pair of breasts trying to escape from a t-shirt bearing the legend “HEAVEN SENT.”

 

“Hi,” she said. She smiled. Dean smiled back, and moved one hand below the table, so that he could pull his gun out at a second’s notice.

 

“Are you – I mean – ” She blushed. “Let me start over. I mean – you’re Dean Winchester, right?”

 

Only someone watching very closely would have noticed that Dean became very, very still. The girl noticed. But Dean didn’t drop a beat. Still smiling, he said, “Depends. Who wants to know? Are you from the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol?”

 

She giggled a little, and Dean laughed with her, never breaking eye contact, not even for a split second. Anyone watching him from the side would have seen that he’d worked his gun out of his waistband.

 

“My name is Willis,” she said.

 

“Willis,” repeated Dean. “Pretty name.”

 

“It’s German,” Willis said. “It means ‘son of William’.”

 

“Well, your dad may be named William, but no one is going to make the other mistake.”

 

She laughed again; then her face grew serious. “But you _are_ Dean Winchester, aren’t you? Because – because I need your help.”

 

“Really? What kind of help do you think I can give you?”

 

“Please, Mr. Winchester,” said the girl, “word gets around. There’s – there’s a – a _demon_. It’s after me, after my family. It’s torturing us, driving us crazy. Please. I know it sounds insane, but – ”

 

“You’d be surprised what I don’t think sounds insane,” said Dean. “Or maybe you wouldn’t. What does this demon look like?”

 

“It’s in human form. It’s right here, in this diner, sitting in the back, wearing a dirty raincoat.”

 

Dean nodded. He’d half expected that, somehow: it was the same man who’d been following him and Sam.

 

Willis withdrew a scrap of paper from inside her bra, and was impressed by the way that Dean never broke eye contact, even at that. She offered him the paper.

 

“You can put that on the table,” said Dean. “What is it?”

 

“It’s an exorcism ritual,” said Willis, her voice dropping to a whisper. “It will destroy him, once and for all.” She looked around nervously. “I – I have to go now, before anyone recognizes me.”

 

Dean nodded, and watched her run out of the diner, and into the distance.

 

Sam dropped into the seat across from him. “It’s definitely the same guy,” he said. “He tried to pretend he didn’t recognize me, but I could tell.” He noticed the scrap of paper. “Did you get that girl’s phone number? Dude, that was fast, even for you.”

 

“It’s supposedly an exorcism ritual,” said Dean. 

 

Sam arched an eyebrow at him.

 

“That pretty girl claims she’s being harassed by a demon – our friend back there. She asked me for help, gave me that.”

 

Sam studied the paper. “Well, it’s definitely an exorcism. Looks pretty permanent, too – this shouldn’t just banish him back to hell, it should completely destroy him.”

 

“Impressive.”

 

“Yeah, seriously. This is the sort of thing you could spend years developing. I don’t get it – if she has this, why doesn’t she do the exorcism herself?”

 

“Maybe she can’t,” said Dean. “Her t-shirt said ‘heaven sent’ on it – ”

 

“Oh, come on,” said Sam. “You don’t think she’s an angel, do you?”

 

Dean shrugged. “We face demons every day. Maybe we get some help from upstairs every so often, too.”

 

“Maybe.” Sam fingered the paper. “So, what do you want to do?”

 

“I say we jump that guy in the parking lot with a Bible and some holy water.”

 

Sam laughed. “Sometimes talking to you is like talking to a crazed priest.”

 

Dean stared at him. “Me? A priest?”

 

“A crazed, horny priest.” 

 

Dean snorted. “Right. Let’s do this thing, okay?”

 

They went into the parking lot, grabbed some gear from the trunk of the Impala, and headed around to the back of the diner. They didn’t have to wait long.

 

~

 

Willis sat by one of the pits of hell; molten lava, liquid brimstone, and great rivulets of sulphur swirled and battled in the infinitely deep pool. The spot was cozy, out-of-the-way, but he could still hear the tortured screaming of the damned. He leaned back in his chair: made of metal and plastic, it was blisteringly hot, constantly on the point of catching fire. It was very nice, really.

 

He sipped a tall, painfully scalding drink with an umbrella in it, and waited.

 

After a few minutes, great soaring chunks of exploded demon rained down into the pit, and what was left of Speedy Pete disintegrated and burned.

 

“Rest in pieces, you annoying buzzkill,” said Willis, and took a sip of his drink.

 

 He snorted, laughing. “Oh, that joke just _never_ gets old.” 


End file.
